7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
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it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Flock of bats
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.