Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
You Might Also Like
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR