General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
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[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
A man of commitment.