[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
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I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
pictures of spider-man
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
A great tip. #CakeRex
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you