My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
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me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Good Morning.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Jurassic park gets weird
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?