I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Dietest Coke
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…