( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
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“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
The 6 types of sex
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.