Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
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3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
are there any atheist mantises?
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.