Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
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Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I have no passwords left in me
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Close call…
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music