My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
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7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it