My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
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CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.