[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
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‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.