Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
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me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean