[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
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Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Called it
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.