You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
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bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Oceanography is all about current events
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
🤣😂
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Oops
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit