No time to explain get in the wood chipper
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My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
🛁
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Only short people can save us
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.