i’m laughing very hard in real life
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
The future is now.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?