I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
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“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.