[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
You Might Also Like
The photographer’s assistant
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.