My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
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People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.