I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
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Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*