Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I love you…
…r dog.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point