Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
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dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
My first son he is wonderful
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.