I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!