I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
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Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.