MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
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One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
This classic never gets old . . .
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
It was worth a shot 😂
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.