Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
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It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
S O O N
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND