MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
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If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me