people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
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The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
“i miss shittin on people”
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
This will never not be funny to me.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
True
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!