I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
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We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit