Worst Native American name ever.
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The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Not all heroes wear capes.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.