Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
You Might Also Like
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb