I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
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[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Guantanamo Bae
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.