[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
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Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Poetry is my passion
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”