At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
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I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Worst perfume name ever.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Sending in my taxes
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?