I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
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I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing