ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
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[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it