Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
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[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k