Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
You Might Also Like
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
who will stop them
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault