*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
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wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
#dalle2
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Body by cheese-puffs.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.