Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
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gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”