Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
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I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*