waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
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I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?