My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
You Might Also Like
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner