That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
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I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
When someone trying to leave me
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?