it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
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i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™