Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
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Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
me hooking up with my ex
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue