[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
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*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
“You’d better run, egg!”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…