How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
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I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Guys, I found it.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it