My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
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My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Great acting.. 😂
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.